Did you ever do something really bad? Is there a moment from the past that you don’t understand and feel sick to your stomach about?
I was sitting here and my mind drifted way back. I was remembering myself as a much younger me. Most of the time that my mind leads me back there, I see myself, and I don’t know that person. I am not that person. If I was that person, I am sorry. Shame washes over me. I can feel it warm and burning in my past. My throat gets a lump. My eyes fade and do not sparkle. My stomach twists itself into a pretzel.
I sat here and in the now moment and fully felt the shame. It amazes me how physically it manifests itself.
I did not run from the emotion or from the memory that triggered it. What we resist persists — this has been true for me.
I started getting all guru on myself with the whole “the past doesn’t exist” and the whole “forgive yourself” and then I stopped myself. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with those statements, but today, I had a new lesson.
As I saw myself, and as I judged myself, I let my compassion guide me toward understanding. I wanted to know why I was that person in that awful moment. I thought about it and one of my conclusions was that, the person I was seeing was suffering from a complete lack of love in their life.
I thought about the distance between that me and the me I am now. I thought about wanting to disown the me of the past. Those who disown, do you know how violent your disowning is? And that’s when it hit me.
I wasn’t going to disown that me. I wasn’t going to beat up on that past me. I was going to to love that me, because that me needed love. And that’s what shame taught me today.